Miserable At Best
by IntertwinedDestinies
Summary: Happiness comes at a price.


**Disclaimer: **I've forgotten this in the past, so this counts for what I've written in the past. I dont own Naruto. The lovely world of Naruto is all thanks to the lovely Kishimoto. Also, Miserable At Best is copyrighted to Mayday Parade. I merely changed the lyrics slightly to work with my fic.

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**Miserable At Best**

_Baby, don't cry, I know_

_You're trying your hardest_

_And the hardest part is letting go_

_Of the nights we shared_

Iruka looked downright miserable. From his spot at the corner of the room, Kakashi had a perfect view of the man, and he could tell that even though he was dragged to the party, Iruka was not having a good time. And while Kakashi wanted to go over, there was no way that would make the Chuunin any happier. It was a mutual feeling, this misery. Kakashi wasn't enjoying himself either. Not when he came alone, and had to watch Iruka across the room, completely unhappy. Perhaps, Kakashi wondered, they were both feeling miserable for the same reason. It was hard to let go; hard was an understatement though. About to move from his spot against the wall, Kakashi noticed Iruka stumble when he was crashed into, by a Jounin he recognized. They helped each other up, and to Kakashi's dismay, they laughed with each other, Iruka gawking before the Jounin backed away with a smile.

_Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight_

_(I know he's there)_

_You're probably hanging out and making eyes_

_(while across the room, he stares)_

_I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor_

_And ask my guy to dance, and he'll say yes_

The heat of the room was making him dizzy; the glare of the lights around him disorientated him. The bumping and pushing of bodies against him nearly made him trip and fall. The sight of _him_ and another man made his insides squirm and churn; his heart beat so loudly in his chest that he was deaf to the booming music around him.

Across the makeshift dance floor, he could see the two shyly meet eyes; it pained him to know that once upon a time that look had been for himself, and he had foolishly taken it for granted.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say_

_Or him to second guess_

Kakashi wished that it were possible for him to say all that he felt for the younger man. He wasn't well versed in society's ways, but he'd allowed himself to fall for someone; the irony of it all was that shinobi were tools. _He _was a tool. They were pawns used for the gain of the great city of Konohagakure. Emotions were superficial feelings that distracted shinobi from their work; despite everything that had been ingrained in him, Kakashi wished for all his worth that he could express how he felt with words to the Chuunin. He wished he could say how weak he felt, but how he felt he could be a stronger human being merely by being in the presence of him; how he could finally wash the blood from his hands and escape the nightmares by holding him in his arms. How his future no longer looked the bleak, and lifeless void it was when he could draw that beautiful smile across his scarred face.

_But I guess_

_That I can live without you but_

_Without you I'll be miserable at best_

It was a slow, seeping ache that found its way through his chest as the realization became clearer through the fog in his mind. It was disheartening, to say the least, he thought, as a weak chuckle was forced up through his throat. The idea of no longer having that upturned smile brightening his day, and enforcing the growing feeling of love in his heart. It was possible; for him to live without Iruka. But without him, the most he could look forward to was being completely and utterly miserable.

All thought left him when he saw Iruka and the man start forwards, heading in the direction of the other. They met near the bar, and from where Kakashi stood, he could see Iruka's telltale blush spread across his cheeks. If his heart couldn't be crushed anymore, he felt it squeeze painfully when the man reached up to brush a stray lock of hair away from Iruka's face and made Iruka smile in embarrassment. The senbon in the man's mouth twitched when he grinned, and was removed when he bent down to whisper in Iruka's ear.

_You're all that I hoped I'd find_

_In every single way_

_And everything I could give_

_Is everything you couldn't take_

Iruka had been the best thing that ever happened to him. Where Kakashi was calm, aloof and reclusive, Iruka was full of life and love, unafraid to open himself to those around him. He had loved Kakashi wholeheartedly, and Kakashi wished he could say that he returned the feeling. Kakashi's heart had been crushed, broken and shattered in the past. Bringing his hand to his chest, Kakashi gripped his kimono's fabric over his heart; there was only so much left of it that he could offer, but he gave what he could. Apparently...For Iruka, that wasn't enough. Eyes still on Iruka, Kakashi knew he couldn't blame the chuunin. It was his own fault that things hadn't worked out; his inability to let go of his past, and look forwards to where Iruka was offering to be his future. His heart couldn't let him move on completely. He wanted Iruka to be truly happy. If he couldn't find happiness with Kakashi, then he would let him go, even if it hurt more than he'd expected.

The party was ending, and people started leaving; couples walked hand in hand towards home as the chilly evening air bit at their fingers, while others rushed home to escape the cold, their breath leaving their mouths in clouds of white. Kakashi strolled towards his apartment slowly, letting the chill seep through the silk of the silver kimono, and to his skin.

_Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away_

_And the hardest part of living_

_Is just taking breaths to stay_

It had been weeks since Kakashi had returned to living in his tiny, dingy apartment. While together, Iruka and he opted for Kakashi to live with the chuunin; there was more room and it was, to put it simply, cleaner. Kakashi grasped his door nob and unlocked it, and pushed it open. As he switched on the light, his eyes glanced at the floor as he removed his sandals. _Home Sweet Home._ He stared down at the rug, and snorted. It was a cheesy door mat Iruka had insisted on buying, as a joke. He could barely call this hole-in-the-wall home. Home was Iruka's warm, inviting apartment on the other side of the village. He was far from home in his own dark and cluttered apartment. And Kakashi was beginning to realize why he hated coming "home"; the four walls were oppresive, and he was seriously beginning to consider himself clausterphobic. Without bothering to shower or remove the kimono, Kakashi dragged his suddenly heavy body to the messy, and lumpy futon in the corner of the room. In an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, he grabbed an extra pillow, and crushed it to his chest in an attempt to squash the sob rising in his throat.

_Because I know I'm good for something_

_I just haven't found it yet_

_But I need it_

_And this will be the first time in a week_

_That I'll talk to you_

_And I can't speak_

Iruka's shift was drawing to a close for the night, and the stream of incoming reports slowed to a trickle; his head was bent low behind the stack of paper he was trying to finish so he could go home for the night. This was what Kakashi was greeted with when he entered the mission room, back from the mission assigned to him after the party a week ago. He stood within the doorway, his foot hesitant to take another step and unease was filling him rapidly. He didn't miss the shock that flashed through Iruka's eyes before he recovered, and greeted him coolly.

"Kakashi-san. What a surprise." Staring stupidly at the chuunin, Kakashi couldn't even come up with a remark. It shouldn't be really surprising to see him. It _was _the mission room, after all, and he _was_ a shinobi, after all. He made his way to the desk, all the while willing himself to speak his customary "Yo", but it was caught, stuck in a lump in his throat and for all the swallows he tried to make, it wouldn't budge. The report was forgotten in his hand as Kakashi stood looking down at Iruka, who had begun to look oncomfortable in his prescence. "Your report, Kakashi-san."

The report was handed over, but Kakashi's throat wasn't the only body part of his that had seemed to take a horrible and unfairly timed vacation. Both men gripped the paper, both unwilling to let go. "I...Ir-...I.." If only he had a voice to curse the horribly embarrassing moment all to hell.

"Iruka! Are you done yet?" Iruka peered around Kakashi with that adorable grin that he loved so much. "Genma!"

If only he had a voice to curse that special Jounin to hell... He let go of the report with a resigned sigh, and turned, leaving without so much as a goodbye to the two men.

_It's been three whole days since I've had sleep_

_Because I dream of his lips on your cheek_

_And I got the point that I should leave you alone_

_But we both know that I'm not that strong_

_And I miss the lips that made me fly_

The night found Kakashi sitting on his couch, staring blankly at his Icha Icha novel. It was a good idea at the time, but the distraction to his disturbing dreams was not working. His lidded eyes had prominent dark circles underneath; for the millionth time that night, he brought his hand to rub at the itch that was causing them to slip closed. Closing his eyes meant falling asleep. Falling asleep meant dreams. Dreams meant seeing the replay of Iruka and that Jounin together. He didn't want to see the torturous dreams of loving kisses and petting. His mind was a sick, sick thing to repeat what tormented him during the day, in his dreams.

Following Iruka had proven to be a bad idea, Kakashi figured. Seeing the two together hurt him, but he couldn't seem to stay away. Iruka was like his lifeline, and even if just a glimpse was all he could steal, it atleast kept him alive for another day. He wasn't strong enough to go on by himself anymore, and it was troublesome. When had he allowed himself to become so dependent? Curling himself into the cushions of the couch, Kakashi sighed and set his book to the side. He was dependent when, in a moment of weakness, he kissed Iruka for the first time. It was different than the hurried, unfeeling ones he'd experienced before. Everything had been different with the Chuunin. The kiss had made him weak in the knees, and his heart soared in bliss as he nearly melted into the man. Kakashi wanted to feel that again. He missed the feel of the soft brush of lips against his. He wanted to fall asleep, with his stomach doing somersaults, merely by having the tanned man tucked safely against his chest. And like the night he saw Iruka at the party, he fell asleep alone, with only a pillow tucked securely against his chest.

_So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight_

_(I know he's there)_

_You're probably hanging out and making eyes_

_(while across the room, he stares)_

_I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor_

_And ask my guy to dance, and he'll say yes_

_Because these words were never easier for me to say_

_Or him to second guess_

_But I guess_

_That I can live without you but_

_Without you I'll be miserable_

_And I can live without you_

_But without you I'll be miserable_

_And I can live without you_

_Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best_

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_**A/N:**_ Dear KakaIru lovers,

Please don't kill the authoress. While she loves KakaIru, she also loves angst and thinks GenIru is cute.

Sincerely,

I.D.

Drabble written today. It's not the best quality, I know, but I loved the song the moment I heard it, and despite the original hetero version, it made me think of Kakashi and Iruka. So I made a homo version. And I say homo in the most loving way possible.


End file.
